Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No , the name’s Lou .

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No, On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO : I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO :

Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO :

They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on ‘START’………….

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Holiday Eating Tips

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday

buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact,

if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door,

where they’re serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.   It’s rare..  You

cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it

has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an

eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me.

Have two.  It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy.

Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your ma

shed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole

milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an

automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your

eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other

people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is

the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table

while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted

Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them

and don’t budge. Have asmany as you can before becoming the center of

attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,

you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.

Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.

When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory

celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get

up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start

over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great holiday season.

Read Full Post »